Christianity often
fails not because of intellectual assertions, but because of the actions of
their believers.” –Unknown
Today I am writing out of
pain. I know this and want to be upfront
about this. Maybe my view has become distorted…it
often is. Maybe my mind is overly
pessimistic…it often is. Maybe my
experience is not normative…it often isn’t.
But I am writing this as an expression of my pain and as a reminder to
myself not to act in similar ways.
I get that nobody is perfect and
that we all have bad days. I understand
that we all make mistakes and we don’t always measure up to the standards we
embrace.
But as I stood there trying to
meet the fourth Chaplain in an area and was greeted by a gruff, “Who are you?” When I explained that I was here on a ship, I
got a “well, we are in a meeting.” There
was no ‘hi’ or ‘hello’ or even “can I help you?” A minor thing, perhaps…but it’s those minor
things that can often matter the most.
See, because this was on top of
meeting other chaplains who didn’t ask my name, but proceeded to tell me and
each other what great chaplains they were.
This was on top of a solid year
and a half of being belittled, demeaned, and cut out by another chaplain.
This was on top of watching
Chaplains fight and bicker over whose ‘people’ they have and who they were
allowed to talk to.
This was on top of watching
pastors undermine other churches in town and steal their members.
This was on top of watching
pastors scream and yell at each other over who was in charge.
This was on top of being
neglected and ignored by my church leaders as I repeatedly asked for help in
waters that were too strong for me.
Maybe this has been my
experience alone. Maybe others find
nothing but acceptance from the church and from church leaders. So maybe I write from the outside looking
in.
At times, it has been a long
tough haul. It leads to a great deal of
emotions and a great deal of questions:
Maybe I’m not a good chaplain.
Maybe I’m not a good Christian.
Maybe I’m not a good
person.
Maybe I deserve to be
ignored. Maybe I deserved to be
overlooked. Maybe I’m not worth your
time.
But I serve a God who accepts
me. Today, I think about the words that
Paul Tillich said, when he wrote: “Grace strikes us when we are in great pain
and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a
meaningless and empty life. It strikes us when our disgust for our own being,
our indifference, our weakness, our hostility, and our lack of direction and
composure have become intolerable to us. It strikes us when, year after year,
the longed-for perfection of life does not appear, when the old compulsions
reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and
courage. Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and
it is as though a voice were saying: “You are accepted.”
Pastors, chaplains, and church
leaders may not accept me. But God sure
does.
