Chaplain Soup

Christianity often fails not because of intellectual assertions, but because of the actions of their believers.” –Unknown

                Today I am writing out of pain.  I know this and want to be upfront about this.  Maybe my view has become distorted…it often is.  Maybe my mind is overly pessimistic…it often is.  Maybe my experience is not normative…it often isn’t.  But I am writing this as an expression of my pain and as a reminder to myself not to act in similar ways. 

                I get that nobody is perfect and that we all have bad days.  I understand that we all make mistakes and we don’t always measure up to the standards we embrace.

                But as I stood there trying to meet the fourth Chaplain in an area and was greeted by a gruff, “Who are you?”  When I explained that I was here on a ship, I got a “well, we are in a meeting.”  There was no ‘hi’ or ‘hello’ or even “can I help you?”  A minor thing, perhaps…but it’s those minor things that can often matter the most.

                See, because this was on top of meeting other chaplains who didn’t ask my name, but proceeded to tell me and each other what great chaplains they were.

                This was on top of a solid year and a half of being belittled, demeaned, and cut out by another chaplain.

                This was on top of watching Chaplains fight and bicker over whose ‘people’ they have and who they were allowed to talk to.

                This was on top of watching pastors undermine other churches in town and steal their members.

                This was on top of watching pastors scream and yell at each other over who was in charge.

                This was on top of being neglected and ignored by my church leaders as I repeatedly asked for help in waters that were too strong for me.

                Maybe this has been my experience alone.  Maybe others find nothing but acceptance from the church and from church leaders.  So maybe I write from the outside looking in. 

                At times, it has been a long tough haul.  It leads to a great deal of emotions and a great deal of questions:

                Maybe I’m not a good chaplain.

                Maybe I’m not a good Christian.

                Maybe I’m not a good person. 

                Maybe I deserve to be ignored.  Maybe I deserved to be overlooked.  Maybe I’m not worth your time. 

                But I serve a God who accepts me.  Today, I think about the words that Paul Tillich said, when he wrote: “Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life. It strikes us when our disgust for our own being, our indifference, our weakness, our hostility, and our lack of direction and composure have become intolerable to us. It strikes us when, year after year, the longed-for perfection of life does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage. Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a voice were saying: “You are accepted.”

                Pastors, chaplains, and church leaders may not accept me.  But God sure does.