Why We Kill Ourselves

"The first duty of love is to listen" -- Paul Tillich

            As we reflect on the loss of so many of our brothers and sisters to suicide, there is so much to come to grips with.  We mourn the loss of their faces and their hearts.  We grieve the future we had together and we remember the stories and times and memories that will not fade away. But we are left with a question…the infernal question, the damnable question: Why? Why did this happen? Why did they die? Why do we kill ourselves?

            And the answers echo from all over.

            We kill ourselves because we are lonely.  We walk in the streets and pass in the hallways, but nobody stops to ask how we are doing. We hear about parties and rumors of parties that we are not invited to.  We stay late at work hoping you don’t realize there is no work to do because we cannot stand going back to our empty home filled with nothing but darkness; to sit in silence as the noises of the busy world surround us only to mock our loneliness.

            We kill ourselves because we are confused.  We often come from homes and families that barely counted as such.  We lived with parents who didn’t understand…or who simply couldn’t.  We are thrown into life expecting to know the answers but only become more lost and confused as the years add up.  How? How did we become this…this thing that is so foreign from when we started? We look at pictures of our childhood only to see a stranger looking at us from the far reaches of time. We do not see a reason to fight the plagues of life because nothing truly makes sense.

            We kill ourselves because we have lost hope.  What hope can there be in a world that only knows misery? Where do we begin to look for hope, when everybody is running after dreams that never come true? Our possible pasts tattered behind us and we know that we cannot take back the pain we have caused others.  Religion claims a new way but we see only judgment with no redemption.  The future offers…what does the future offer? The light at the end of the tunnel grows dimmer and dimmer until it offers no light at all.

            We kill ourselves because we know the truth of ourselves.  At least this is what we tell ourselves. We know our hearts and we know that we are unloveable.  We see the detest in other people’s eyes.  We hear their judgments in their words and we know that we have been found wanting. We feel their desire for other people and we know we are not enough. 

            We kill ourselves because we know that you will be better off without us.  This insipid chorus runs in our head: we have nothing to offer, nothing to share, nothing of value and nothing good.  You say this isn’t true, but we know…we know.  We have sung this song to ourselves so often that it becomes our anthem.

            We kill ourselves because we don’t know what to do with the pain.  We don’t want to burden you with it, because it should be ours alone.  And ours alone it becomes as time goes by we drift further and further away.  We see you but don’t know why you can’t see us.  We hear you, but don’t know why you can’t hear us.  We hide our pain behind jokes and laughter and we become the clowns and jesters that everybody loves but nobody knows.  Or we simply fade off to places where nobody looks.  That dull ache in our heart that we have ignored for so long comes roaring in and we can no longer look away.  It consumes our thoughts, it devours our dreams and it robs our life.  Every day becomes torture and night becomes our prison.  And…in the end…we kill ourselves because we simply want the pain…to stop. 

***if you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please seek help. The national suicide prevention hotline is 1-800-273-8255.  For military personnel, talk to your chaplain, your chain of command or a personal friend.  You may email me at Robert.c.price@gmail.com***