How to De-Moralize Your Staff in 5 Easy Steps

Let’s face it, we’ve all had bad bosses.  We’ve had the well-meaning, but incompetent boss.  We’ve had the mini-dictators who think they are gods and we’ve probably had the burned out boss.  But there are a group of bosses that are…special.  These bosses are the reason we know that there is evil in the world.  These are bosses who excel in making the lives of other people so contemptuous, that they consider leaving the work force to go grow moss on a moss farm….or something.

These bosses are so colossally good at sucking, that I have to think that there is a training manual out there somewhere that makes these bosses study from.  Surely nobody can be this bad….surely!!!!

And yet here we are.  We know they exist because at some point we’ve had our soul sucked out by them.  Every day we go to work, we can hear a gigantic vacuum noise.  At first we thought it was the cleaning crew…but we know now it is the sound of our joy, energy, and creativity being syphoned off, one soulful morsel at a time.

So as I thought about this, I think I have observed, through induction, the Five steps these bosses use.  Let me know what you think.

Step # 1 Make everything…..EVERYTHING…about yourself

The peons who work for you are NOT….repeat…NOT important.  In fact, they just get in the way of what is truly important….YOU! Your career, your power, and your control are what is truly important about the office.  Sure you may have people who have career goals for themselves, but they DON’T MATTER!!!

One way to make sure to do this is to make sure that every conversation comes back to you.  That helps reinforce with people that you are truly the most important person in the room.  Observe:

                Steve: My family was in an accident over the weekend….

Bill: Ah! That reminds me, I’m going on vacation this weekend, can you cover my reports for me?

Did you see how Bill was able to save that conversation from the jaws of defeat? Steve was trying to talk about his family, which would have shifted attention from Bill.  But Bill was able to recover! (Not to mention the added bonus Steve gets by feeling important enough to do Bill’s work! – you DON’T always have to think about yourself!)

Another way to do this is that when you are introducing people, make sure to introduce them in relation to YOU!

                Bill: Have you met my assistant, Steve? Steve works for me in the office

That’s a clever way to (a) reaffirm your dominance over a lowly peon and (b) redirect attention back to you!

 

Step 2 – Schedule meetings, lots of meetings, with your staff

                Meetings are ways that you can keep your staff from doing anything important….or (more importantly) independently!

                The secret to this step is to make sure that the meetings have no point!  Have the meetings…and most importantly make sure that you control the content of the meeting.  Having meetings helps the peons feel important, but they don’t get to actually do the meeting. They get the pleasure of being with you (which may bring you down, but you do have to make some sacrifices – it’s not all lollipops and candy canes!)

                This will show you how to run meeting properly:

Bill: Thank you all for coming to my monthly meeting.  Before I begin, let me tell you about my weekend. I had such a goooooooooood weekend.  My wife and I had some buddies over and we played lawn darts.  The funny thing about lawn darts is that you have to have a particular kind of lawn dart…a professional lawn dart.  I got my lawn dart for $300 over Ebay.  The got wanted $400, but I was able to talk him down because I am such a good negotiator.  So I was able to beat everybody at lawn darts…

Notice Bill’s good use of language to reinforce himself as the center of attention. Those lucky employees get to hear about what a real weekend was like.

Step 3 – Make sure that ALL information gets channeled through YOU!

                This step is crucial and it is vitally important that you control all INGOING and OUTGOING information.  This helps from uppity peons thinking they are better than you and knowing more than you.

                The biggest threat here might be if you have a subordinate who has connections outside the office.  You need to cut this off in the bud RIGHT AWAY!

                This may require you to eliminate people from email distribution lists, to talk badly about somebody behind their backs, but this is essential to make sure you remain the center of attention. Make sure everybody CC’s you on every piece of outgoing email.  You probably won’t look it, but you will need to keep that psychological control. 

                The best way to distribute information to your staff is either by (a) enigmatic emails that nobody can decipher or (b) by dropping casual hints to the information in one of your many, many meetings (see above).

                Let’s say your security manager needs to get some background information on a contractor for a project your department is running.  Here is how you may want to disburse that information.

Bill: So Ocular Rift is going to be the biggest thing since sliced bread.  I know this because I was talking to the head of Cyberdyne Security about how much money I will be getting when Ocular Rift is released.  Oh by the way, Lou needs….um……some kind of form….for that guy you are working with…..make sure you get that to me, right away. So I was thinking about lawn darts again and how wonderful my new lawn dart is……

Good on you, Bill!!! You kept the focus on YOU and you also got that information out to your staff.  Of course, when they can’t figure out the information, you can yell at them….and then you can produce that information and SAVE THE DAY!!! Way to go, BILL! If it wasn’t for you, this place would surely burn to the ground!

Step 4 – Make sure Upper Management Knows how Good YOU are!

                This step really goes without saying, because upper management should already know how good you are…..after all….you’re YOU, right? But sometimes management gets lost in the details they have deal with on a day to day basis.

                Now, when you can save the day, make sure the Higher Ups know it! You need to promote yourself, after all! Those peons down below sure aren’t going to promote you, so you need to do this.  This might mean you need to throw a few people under the bus…but what the hell, they don’t matter. 

A simple way to do this is a memo to your supervisor, like this:

                To: Supervisor, Soul Crushing Enterprises

                From: Bill, Human Care Department

               

Sir, it came to my attention that I was able to save the company a great deal of money.  Steve, one of my employees, was badly mishandling security issues with his contractor from Satan Industries.  He was unable to produce the contractor authorization papers, even though I had pointedly and repeatedly asked him to do so.  So, after firing Steve, I took control of the situation and was able to produce the papers and able to reduce the wait time.  I am humbled by the opportunity I have to work at this company, which I consider my home.

Way to go, Bill! Look how many times he promoted himself and referred to himself as the center of attention.

Poor Steve had to go, but that helps accentuate

Step 5 – Replace your staff often

                Your staff is incompetent.  You know that.  They probably know that. But you need some people to supervise, otherwise how would others know you are important?

                But you are going to wear them…and they are going to wear YOU out very quickly.  So you need to get rid of them often and to have a complete turnover.  Make sure that the new crew doesn’t talk to the old crew because you don’t want them sharing the greatness you have earned over the hard course of your life!

someone may have already beat me to the punch

                Ways to get rid of your staff vary.  Some fire the people, some of the staff leaves every so often, and some love to work on a rotational basis.

                But when they leave, make sure they are discredited about anything they may say.  Some staff members are angry when they get fired or replaced and so may make up wild stories and attempt to sue for ‘harassment’ or ‘creating a hostile work environment.’  I don’t know why so many employees turn on their bosses when we get rid of them, but you have to make sure that everybody thinks they are crazier than Miley Cyrus hopped up on pixie dust.  A good way to do this is before they leave, refer them to see the building’s medical officer.

Bill: So, Steve, I am sorry that you are angry that you got fired.  However, that does not justify the fact that you claim I sabotaged your career.  I may remind you that you were the one who wasted time inquiring about Ocular Rift and my lawn darts.  Perhaps if you were not so tied up in recreation, you might have had a successful time here.  But because you are now threatening to ‘choke me out,’ I am highly suggesting that you see our doctor.  We have no ill will towards you and want to make sure you get all the help you need during this difficult time.

Of course, you will have to make sure that all future potential employers are aware of the mental problems.

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And that is how I think some managers learn to excel at sucking the life out of people.