Sometimes the most sinister problems are the most silent. Heart disease, for instance, can damage a person years before there are any major symptoms. Computer viruses work in the background, messing with the main systems before anybody can notice they are present. Domestic violence can go unnoticed for years…even decades…before anybody in society or in the church knows that it’s a problem.
Domestic violence is an issue that, for the most part, the church has been silent about. Whether it’s because we are too focused on other equally troubling issues (AIDS, homelessness, etc), or because it’s uncomfortable to deal with, the church can no longer afford to be ill-prepared to deal with domestic violence.
Domestic violence is a prevalent issue in the United States. It is estimated that nearly 25% of woman will experience domestic violence in her lifetime (85% of victims of domestic violence are women). 1.3 million women will be physically assaulted by an intimate partner this year.[1] Compounded with emotional abuse, the numbers become astronomical. It must be stressed that this is not a partisan issue and our intention is not to blame anybody nor side with a political agenda. We simply want to stress the enormity of this problem and to help us all to respond accordingly.
The church cannot…and must not be silent on this issue. At heart this is a theological issue. In abusive relationship, one party seeks to be God over the other. The abuser seeks to be the center of victims life and damages the victim physically, emotionally, but also damages the victim’s relationship with their creator.
As we speak about this issue, we need to define some terms.
· Abuse—refers to the long term and systematic behavior of one person (the abuser) towards another (the victim). While some actions can be abusive (and should not be diminished), there may not be abuse present because it is not long term or systematic.
· Domestic violence—generally refers to abusive behaviors in the home, normally of a physical nature.
· Emotional abuse—refers to emotional manipulation on the part of the abuser towards the victim. Emotional abuse is domestic violence because it violates the will of the victim.
Signs of Abuse
There are many signs of domestic violence…some relate to the emotional state of the victim while others reflect the actions of the abuser.
For the victim, there may be emotions of fear, hurt, resentment or mistreatment. They may avoid certain conversations for fear of angering their partner. The victim may walk about in a daze wondering if they truly are the crazy one while their partner is the sane one.
The abuser may threaten, belittle, anger, hurt, or threaten to hurt the victim. They may or may not yell, but they will humiliate the victim. They will ignore or belittle the accomplishments of the victim.
There are many reasons why an abuser abuses. Some are narcissistic and truly believe that the world revolves around them. Some are victims of abuse in the past, or the victim of an improper relationship. Some simply like the feeling of power. But whatever the reason, the issue is always the same: control. An abuser abuses a victim because they want control over that person and their world.
There are some common ways that an abuser tries to dominate his victim[2].
· Dominance—the abuser will try to dominate all aspects of life: financial, social, emotional. They will try to decide who the family will spend time with, where they will go and what they will do.
· Isolation—the abuser will try to limit contact with other individuals, in particular individuals they think might know what is happening. For instance, they may force the family to change churches, or to change jobs or schools. They may monitor phone conversations and text messaging and emails.
· Threats, intimidation, and humiliation—the abuser’s weapons include all sorts of emotional manipulation. They seek to disorient the victim from the reality of their situation.
What to do?
Pastors and church leaders find out about abuse all the time: sometimes directly and sometimes indirectly.
Step 1: Discern when to act
When you find out indirectly, things are complicated. You can observe for obvious signs of abuse and attempt to ‘gently’ converse with the victim to see whether they are ready to deal with the situation. If they are not…there is nothing you can do. Let me repeat that: until the victim is ready and willing to deal with the situation, there is nothing you can do. This may sound harsh, but it is reality.
Even when you find out directly, the above principle applies. You cannot do anything until the victim is willing to confront the situation in reality. In helping her to decide this, you must and should be in contact with the local domestic violence shelter. Have their number on hand.
Sometimes victims can become part of the problem. This also may sound harsh, but unfortunately it is part of the reality. A victim may come to you or to another individual and want to ‘talk about a situation’. After hearing the information, you may want to act right away. But the victim does not want to proceed and is not ready to proceed. All the victim has done is released some of the pain so they can return to the situation and live life as ‘normal.’
When this happens, the victim has become part of the system and is not ready to escape from it. Any interference from the outside can upset the ‘system’ and in turn the couple may react violently and try to put the blame on the outside person.
This is why you cannot act until the victim is ready for action.
For example:
Tom and Mary have been married for twenty five years. Tom has been abusing Mary for years. Mary has confided to people over the past few years some aspects of Tom’s abuse, but is never ready to confront Tom. When a local teacher who noticed that things were amiss in Tom and Mary’s relationship and tried to confront them, Tom became very difficult to engage and began to blame all the problems on the teacher. Tom went to the school administrator and complained that the teacher was causing problems for he and his wife. Sound crazy? Unfortunately this situation plays out again and again all over the US every day.
Step 2---Get Help right away
When the victim is ready to act: make sure you get help right away. That means getting the victim in contact with a local domestic violence shelter and taking care of their physical and emotional needs right away.
In most cases, the police cannot and will not get involved. Unless there is direct physical evidence of assault and the victim is willing to press charges, there is nothing they can do. Currently there are no laws against emotional abuse (which would be extremely difficult to prove in a court of law). Pastors should and must cultivate relationships with the local law enforcement and privately they can let them know what is happening.
Another question might be how to handle extended family. Sometimes, the extended family knows what is happening…other times not so much. The extended family needs just as much pastoral care and support as the victim (and the abuser).
Step 3—Protect the sheep
The hardest part of domestic abuse is the knowledge that the pain can extend beyond the local family unit. Sometimes, domestic abuse and domestic violence can affect the congregation and as elders in the church, we have an obligation to protect the majority of the church.
There are warning signs that it may be time to take dramatic actions. For instance, sometimes an abuser will try to ‘extend’ their ground by making off-hand comments, or sexual innuendos towards other members. Sometimes domestic abuse can go hand in hand with sexual addiction or other sexual issues and these must be confronted seriously.
If you are unsure about the possible implications, please talk to a mental health professional. Reminder: if there are ever children or teenagers at risk, do not hesitate in separating the abuser from the congregation: the safety and well being of youth always comes first.
If the couple is not a safety threat to others, the church still has an obligation to perform discipline on the abuser. This will more than likely result in the abuser (and sometimes the victim) leaving the church. As much as legally possible, the abuser’s new church should be notified as to possible problems.
As much as possible, pastoral care must be offered to the victim, the victim’s family and the abuser (provided that the abuser is not a threat to the congregation).
Conclusion
Domestic violence is a messy issue with many sides to it. The church must stand with the victims of domestic violence and offer the grace and forgiveness of Jesus to the abusers.
I am not an expert in Domestic Violence. I still have a great deal of learning that I must do. As a pastor, it is hard to admit that I do not have the answers. But I do not and I must rely on the answers and explanations provided for me by others who work in this field.
If you know somebody who is a victim of domestic abuse, I encourage you to pray for that person and for all victims. Pray for the abusers that they may repent and come to know Jesus Christ and turn from their ways. Pray for the shelters and for everybody who works with this issue.
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