Let’s face it, we’ve all had bad bosses. We’ve had the well-meaning, but incompetent
boss. We’ve had the mini-dictators who
think they are gods and we’ve probably had the burned out boss. But there are a group of bosses that are…special. These bosses are the reason we know that
there is evil in the world. These are
bosses who excel in making the lives of other people so contemptuous, that they
consider leaving the work force to go grow moss on a moss farm….or something.
These bosses are so colossally good at sucking, that I have
to think that there is a training manual out there somewhere that makes these
bosses study from. Surely nobody can be
this bad….surely!!!!
And yet here we are.
We know they exist because at some point we’ve had our soul sucked out
by them. Every day we go to work, we can
hear a gigantic vacuum noise. At first
we thought it was the cleaning crew…but we know now it is the sound of our joy,
energy, and creativity being syphoned off, one soulful morsel at a time.
So as I thought about this, I think I have observed, through
induction, the Five steps these bosses use.
Let me know what you think.
Step # 1 Make everything…..EVERYTHING…about yourself
The peons who work for you are NOT….repeat…NOT
important. In fact, they just get in the
way of what is truly important….YOU! Your career, your power, and your control
are what is truly important about the office.
Sure you may have people who have career goals for themselves, but they
DON’T MATTER!!!
One way to make sure to do this is to make sure that every
conversation comes back to you. That helps
reinforce with people that you are truly the most important person in the
room. Observe:
Steve: My family was in an accident over
the weekend….
Bill: Ah! That reminds me, I’m going on vacation this weekend, can you
cover my reports for me?
Did you see how Bill was able to save that conversation from
the jaws of defeat? Steve was trying to talk about his family, which would have
shifted attention from Bill. But Bill
was able to recover! (Not to mention the added bonus Steve gets by feeling
important enough to do Bill’s work! – you DON’T always have to think about
yourself!)
Another way to do this is that when you are introducing
people, make sure to introduce them in
relation to YOU!
Bill: Have you met my assistant,
Steve? Steve works for me in the office
That’s a clever way to (a) reaffirm your dominance over a
lowly peon and (b) redirect attention back to you!
Step 2 – Schedule meetings, lots of meetings, with your staff
Meetings
are ways that you can keep your staff from doing anything important….or (more
importantly) independently!
The secret
to this step is to make sure that the meetings have no point! Have
the meetings…and most importantly make sure that you control the content of the
meeting. Having meetings helps the peons
feel important, but they don’t get to actually do the meeting. They get the
pleasure of being with you (which may bring you
down, but you do have to make some sacrifices – it’s not all lollipops
and candy canes!)
This
will show you how to run meeting properly:
Bill: Thank you all for coming to my monthly meeting. Before I begin, let me tell you about my
weekend. I had such a goooooooooood weekend.
My wife and I had some buddies over and we played lawn darts. The funny thing about lawn darts is that you
have to have a particular kind of lawn dart…a professional lawn dart. I got my lawn dart for $300 over Ebay. The got wanted $400, but I was able to talk
him down because I am such a good negotiator.
So I was able to beat everybody at lawn darts…
Notice Bill’s good use of language to reinforce himself as
the center of attention. Those lucky employees get to hear about what a real weekend was like.
Step 3 – Make sure that ALL information gets channeled through YOU!
This
step is crucial and it is vitally important that you control all INGOING and
OUTGOING information. This helps from
uppity peons thinking they are better than you and knowing more than you.
The
biggest threat here might be if you have a subordinate who has connections
outside the office. You need to cut this
off in the bud RIGHT AWAY!
This
may require you to eliminate people from email distribution lists, to talk
badly about somebody behind their backs, but this is essential to make sure you
remain the center of attention. Make sure everybody CC’s you on every piece of
outgoing email. You probably won’t look
it, but you will need to keep that psychological control.
The
best way to distribute information to your staff is either by (a) enigmatic emails
that nobody can decipher or (b) by dropping casual hints to the information in
one of your many, many meetings (see above).
Let’s
say your security manager needs to get some background information on a
contractor for a project your department is running. Here is how you may want to disburse that
information.
Bill: So Ocular Rift is going to be the biggest thing since sliced
bread. I know this because I was talking
to the head of Cyberdyne Security about how much money I will be getting when
Ocular Rift is released. Oh by the way,
Lou needs….um……some kind of form….for that guy you are working with…..make sure
you get that to me, right away. So I was thinking about lawn darts again and
how wonderful my new lawn dart is……
Good on you, Bill!!! You kept the focus on YOU and you also
got that information out to your staff.
Of course, when they can’t figure out the information, you can yell at
them….and then you can produce that information and SAVE THE DAY!!! Way to go,
BILL! If it wasn’t for you, this place would surely burn to the ground!
Step 4 – Make sure Upper Management Knows how Good YOU are!
This
step really goes without saying, because upper management should already know
how good you are…..after all….you’re YOU, right? But sometimes management gets
lost in the details they have deal with on a day to day basis.
Now,
when you can save the day, make sure the Higher Ups know it! You need to
promote yourself, after all! Those peons down below sure aren’t going to
promote you, so you need to do this.
This might mean you need to throw a few people under the bus…but what
the hell, they don’t matter.
A simple way to do this is a memo to your supervisor, like
this:
To: Supervisor, Soul Crushing Enterprises
From:
Bill, Human Care Department
Sir,
it came to my attention that I was able to save the company a great deal of
money. Steve, one of my employees, was
badly mishandling security issues with his contractor from Satan
Industries. He was unable to produce the
contractor authorization papers, even though I had pointedly and repeatedly
asked him to do so. So, after firing
Steve, I took control of the situation and was able to produce the papers and
able to reduce the wait time. I am
humbled by the opportunity I have to work at this company, which I consider my
home.
Way to go,
Bill! Look how many times he promoted himself and referred to himself as the
center of attention.
Poor Steve
had to go, but that helps accentuate
Step 5 – Replace your staff often
Your
staff is incompetent. You know
that. They probably know that. But you
need some people to supervise, otherwise how would others know you are
important?
But you
are going to wear them…and they are going to wear YOU out very quickly. So you need to get rid of them often and to
have a complete turnover. Make sure that
the new crew doesn’t talk to the old crew because you don’t want them sharing
the greatness you have earned over the hard course of your life!
 |
| someone may have already beat me to the punch |
Ways to
get rid of your staff vary. Some fire
the people, some of the staff leaves every so often, and some love to work on a
rotational basis.
But
when they leave, make sure they are discredited about anything they may
say. Some staff members are angry when
they get fired or replaced and so may make up wild stories and attempt to sue
for ‘harassment’ or ‘creating a hostile work environment.’ I don’t know why so many employees turn on
their bosses when we get rid of them, but you have to make sure that everybody
thinks they are crazier than Miley Cyrus hopped up on pixie dust. A good way to do this is before they leave,
refer them to see the building’s medical officer.
Bill: So, Steve, I am sorry that you are angry that you got fired. However, that does not justify the fact that
you claim I sabotaged your career. I may
remind you that you were the one who wasted time inquiring about Ocular Rift
and my lawn darts. Perhaps if you were
not so tied up in recreation, you might have had a successful time here. But because you are now threatening to ‘choke
me out,’ I am highly suggesting that you see our doctor. We have no ill will towards you and want to
make sure you get all the help you need during this difficult time.
Of course, you will have to make sure that all future
potential employers are aware of the mental problems.
**********
And that is how I think some managers learn to excel at sucking
the life out of people.
